I Think I’ll Risk It
I Think I’ll Risk It
I feel bad for the lack of postings; I’ve just not wanted to share everything that is going on. I have taken too actually, physically, writing in my journal instead.
In 16 short days, the Hubs and I board a plane for Southeast Asia. We’ve finished all of our shots. After hassling with my insurance on covering Malaria pills, I’ve decided NOT to take Malarone (mefloquine). Seeing as its (severe) side effects could include the following:
• Depression
• Suicidal thoughts
• Psychosis, generalized anxiety disorder, schizophrenia, or other major psychiatric disorder
• Seizures
• Diarrhea; difficulty sleeping; dizziness; headache; loss of appetite; nausea; stomach pain; vomiting; weakness
• Major vision changes, ringing in your ears, hearing problems, mood changes, sore throat, fever, abdominal pain, seizures
• Bizarre dreams
I’ve been reading some forums on Malarone and I’d rather risk getting Malaria then deal with the above. My Sister-In-Law e-mailed me said that a friend of her’s sister committed suicide and they believe it’s due to the anti-Malaria pills. Apparently, she was a happy healthy Mother of 4, then took Malaria pills (not sure for how long) then attempted suicide several times. Sadly, she succeeded last month.
With all that is going on and I already feel that depression setting in (not wanting to eat, cannot focus, don’t want to do anything, feeling very lethargic, etc) I think these pills, which are meant to keep you from getting sick, will just make everything worse. I already want to just crawl in a hole and go away for awhile. I’ve been trying to hide these feelings from the Hubs, as I don’t want him to think that I am not happy with my life. I am. Very happy and really I have things so easy. My life really is cake and I am not sure why I can’t just say F*ck it all and not worry. I just need a break. I need things to go right for awhile. I cannot handle anymore stress, worrying or that horrible overwhelmed feeling. That’s what I hate most – feeling overwhelmed. I want to be light and free of worry again. Sadly, I do not foresee this happening anytime soon. I told myself I wasn’t going to post this little “Bex Self Pity Party”, but it’s my blog and I’ve posted it.
I want to rid myself of the worry, stress and feeling of being so completely overwhelmed. Make it go away, now. I just need to shake it off and convince myself that none of it matters, whatever happens, happens and I cannot change it. I really try to convince myself that things will work out fine and not matter what happens, life does go on and it will work itself out. I’m trying.
This upcoming trip helps though. I cannot wait to go. I am excited (although it is slightly shadowed by everything that is going on). J and I discussed some upcoming trips this next year, as well. I hope to attend my Cousins wedding back East in October. Then we will go back to Michigan for Christmas. Then possibly take a week trip with J&S to Mexico, if not that, we would like to visit Erik in Hawaii before he is deployed to Iraq. Then in June, a long weekend with my Parents, Brother and Sister-In-Law in New Orleans. Already planned, is a week trip to the Houseboat, in Lake Powell, for July.
Life is good.